Heartbreak and Hope

There is of course more to my life then fun explorations. I am a pretty private person, I still need to share from time to time. People don’t know unless you tell them. We all experience hope and disappointments in life. Our challenges may be big or small, but they are real to each of us. Here are a few of my recent stories of heartbreak and hope.

Story #1 - Thinking outside the box
Story #2 – Kidney Donation
Story #3 - How John Bloxham continues to affect my life
Story #4 - Being Single

Story #1 - Thinking outside the box

I've been attending the Potomac singles ward for singles 30 -55 since I moved back to DC. There has been a lot of focus on meeting people and dating. In some ways it's been kind of exciting to catch the vision and rekindle that hope. One of the admonitions our Bishop gave us was to “Think Outside the Box” …. for ways to meet or get to know people. I had a guy friend stay with me for a little while in January. What was going to be just a few days turned into three weeks. Even though I had been anxious to be on my own, I was surprised at how nice it was to have him around. Because he was a house guest, there was more communication, coordination, helping and hanging out than I would have expected with a normal roommate. Plus he is a guy. And it's nice to have male attention. I have to admit that I got a little caught up in the "wouldn't it be nice if's". If I had someone to come home to. If I didn't have to date again. If I could go to a party simply because I wanted to, rather than it was a good opportunity to meet or reconnect with single men. If only. Along comes heartbreak. We weren’t even dating. It’s hard opening yourself up, it’s hard when there is not an equal amount of interest, it’s hard when there aren’t any options, and it’s hard when there is!

I promised Chad a recommendation, so here goes…. I have lots of good things to say. He cooks; he cleans; he listens. He's my age, active in the church, and can take care of himself. He plays board games, enjoys exploring, and telling stories. He came home several times and asked what he could do to help. He brought me flowers. He will be a great husband to a very lucky woman.

Story #2 – Kidney Donation

My cousin is in need of a new kidney. She was a match with her brother who had volunteered to donate, but then she continued to build up antibodies, and was no longer a match. I agreed to be tested to see if I could donate a kidney. Amy needs a miracle in her life, and how cool would that be if I could help facilitate that. I spent a fair bit of time completing the application, waiting, following up, having a physical, getting some blood work done, and some more waiting and following up. I was asked Jan 10 to get tested and found out Feb 11 that I was not a match. There was a lot of prayer and fasting, and it was a little disappointing, but I am still hoping and praying that things turn out the best for Amy. I have only been through a small part of the roller coaster that she has been through for many, many years. I have so much respect for her and the faith she has to face her trials.

Story #3 - How John Bloxham continues to affect my life
A church friend who knew both me and John pretty well asked me how I am doing. I know others of you are also curious. I feel like for the most part I am doing well. I feel like I have forgiven John for murdering Todd. I feel like I have a pretty healthy attitude towards relationships. I almost said that it’s not as much of my day to day life anymore as my week to week, but I don’t even know if that is true. It’s probably still part of my day to day life. Memories come regularly, triggered by topics of conversation, experiences, or even simply by the nature of how I know someone. Many of these memories are good, and trigger gratitude for service rendered. But some memories bring back a lot of anger and resentment. I struggle with when and how to tell people more about my situation. I struggle with being easily offended. It’s hard to deal with the fact that someone you had a close relationship with could be capable of murder, and it’s hard to lose someone like Todd in such a brutal manner. Ultimately I know that I need to take responsibility for myself and my actions and attitudes. I feel like I have made a lot of progress, but that I still have a long ways to go.

So here’s a few highlights and examples of how John continues to affect my life from last few months:

- There has been activity on John’s yahoo account. I’ve found out how common a problem unauthorized internet access is in the prisons. Very frustrating. So far I have resisted making my blog private, but it may be coming soon.

- I went to the Mount Vernon police station for the first time since I was brought there for questioning July 1, 2007. It was pretty traumatic emotionally for me. I’m very grateful for good friends who there to support me.

- I went the Detroit Census office where John used to work. He was not brought up in conversation by any of the people he used to work with, but I still had an extra hard time with the coworker conversation. It was a reminder that people don’t know unless you tell them. I may be freaking out going to a place where John worked, but people don’t know they are being insensitive talking about murder rates and safety.

- I had an in depth conversation with a coworker about John. I provided some updates and listened as the coworker talked over some of his concerns about the whole thing. At least he asked. It’s such a big part of my life.

- A friend suggested that there is more I could do to have Devin’s death investigated, such as talk to the federal authorities over this area. I thought I had (finally) come to peace about doing what I could in that situation. I’m glad to learn more, but am hoping to be over the stress about what to do or not do.

- I am doing better with some topics of conversation. I don’t freak out as much when guns are mentioned as I used to. I still have a hard time in many, many conversations. Time helps.

- Every time I get to know someone on a personal level I debate about if I should let them know more about me. I usually wait a while and find a time where it seems to fit with a topic of conversation to bring things up. I’ve realized some of the reasons it’s hard for me to tell people about my situation in a group setting. It’s a conversation stopper. People don’t know what to say. It’s hard for a group to express sympathy, and I find myself getting defensive very quickly when I don’t think people care about me and my loss. I usually tell people one on one.

- I’m sensitive. For example, friends telling me that they are usually a pretty good judge of character usually frustrates me. I read into it that I am not a good judge of character, otherwise I would have never let Devin or Todd have died. Sometimes I try to not read too much into people’s comments or give them the benefit of the doubt, but often I am offended and just think that this is going to be a long process.

- I recently had a girlfriend who actually wanted to know more about Todd. It was heaven that I was able to share about how we met, some of his characteristics and interests, and some of the magical parts of our relationship. Of course it’s sad that he’s gone, but it’s always good to share what a blessing he was in my life.

- Telling guys I am dating or thinking about dating always adds a new dimension over telling other friends. Most have been pretty supportive, but there are a few who I never hear from again.

- I want people to know about me and what I have been through. That’s one reason I have a public blog. I do appreciate it when people ask, because I usually still have new perspective or fear that is helpful to talk over.

Story #4 - Family

This story will be short. I am 37 and single. It’s reality. I have always wanted to get married and have a family. It’s hard. I know many of you are well aware of this situation, but I just wanted to acknowledge it as definitely one of my ongoing heartaches.

In conclusion

Everyone has a story. They change as we go through our life.

There is heartbreak when people you love make bad decisions.

There is heartbreak when you put a lot of work into something and there is just criticism and very little appreciation.

There is heartbreak when a relationship does not come to fruition.

There is heartbreak in missed opportunities of family.

I think at times it is helpful to share what we are going through. So people can get to know us. To get support. To learn from the experiences of others.

So we can look back on life and be grateful for the heartache.